Let Me Explain | A Poem

It’s hard to explain, but-
Let me try.
I am high
On a drug that once felt orgasmic
Caught in a phantasmic encounter with the universe.
At first,
My fingers buzzed
And my lungs felt numb-
I was too dumb to notice
That meant I couldn’t breathe.
My heart would seize
And pump terror instead of blood
Like wading through mud
And your legs aren’t strong enough
To unstick your shoes:
You will lose
Every time.

It’s hard to explain, but-
Let me try.
I am caught between two nightmares
And the hairs on the back of my neck
Warn of danger.
My stomach is lead
And the dread of an unknown monster
Is all that consumes my mind-
I might as well be blind,
Or deaf,
Because that is the only way to run.

It’s hard to explain, but-
Let me try.
My stomach is bull of bees
And my knees are made of wax.
P.S. I swallowed an olive pit last week so don’t be concerned if they start growing out of my navel.

This unhappy marriage
Of depression and anxiety
Is a lump in my throat
Because I’ve swallowed my tongue
It has hung itself
From the rafters of my uvula
And clung to my gag reflex like a leech.
Each time I vomit blood,
It gets a little looser.

It’s hard to explain
Because it’s hard to understand
That the land I’m standing on
Always shifts,
And there’s a rift between my normal and yours.
The tectonic plates between us quake
In the wake of my shaky state of mind.
We are close enough to touch,
And you are close enough to save me,
But I am a land mine.
So you don’t.
And you couldn’t,
Even if you tried:
The cause of my insanity is living.
I am giving what I can,
But it isn’t much.
I am stuck in the eye of a hurricane,
And if I move an inch I’ll be swept away
So I’ll stay
Where I am.
Every phone call is a klaxon
And when the churchbells ring on a Sunday,
It’s a countdown.

It’s hard to explain, but-
I can’t remember where I put my keys,
Or when I ate last
And I’ve been holding my breath for a year.
My body is here,
But it’s a shoddy piece of work.

I’m not making sense.
I told you.
It’s hard to explain.
These metaphors are all I have
And I’m sick of saying ‘fine’
When you ask me how I am
Because I am miles away from fine.
I am countries away from normal
And a continent from
‘Good thanks, how are you?’
It’s hard to explain
When I feel like I’m dying
I’d be lying
If I told you it was normal.

It’s hard to explain, but-
I’ll try.

 

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